New Dieting Strategy

Ladies and gents, I've developed a brand spankin' new diet, destined to rival The South Beach, The Master Cleanse, and even The Atkins. Like all the great diet plans, its core principles are simple, yet could be stretched into a book that middle-aged suburban Oprah disciples who live in terror of the day that their hips become bigger than their hair would clamor to drop $29.99 on. Of course they will try to pay less by claiming to remember a coupon they got in their e-mail last week that would have given them 60% off, and can't possibly have expired by now, because how can a coupon expire when it only exists in one's head? But I digress.

As I won't have time to write this book for weeks and will probably have forgotten about it by then anyway, you dear, lovely blog readers get the more concise version. Behold:

THE FRINGE DIET

Step One, acquire $12. Conveniently, this is the going rate for handjobs* at the Midtown lightrail station. I've heard. Ahem.

Step Two, daydream about the ten burritos and cup of weird blue Mountain Dew from Taco Bell you can now afford, because you are classy.

Step Three, oh snap! Remember that your friend has a show in the Fringe Festival and it's happening right now!

Step Four, fork over your hard-won $12 to see your friend roll around in a bedsheet, singing about how evil George W. Bush is to the tune of Happy Birthday while a clown tap dances and weeps.**

Step Five, be poor and starve.

Voilà! You just Fringed yourself skinny! Hopefully you will all reap the benefits of this ground-breaking system. I intend to - with a vengence!

See you around the Fringe!

*Are handjobs the funniest sexual favor? I think so.
**For the record, all the shows my friends are doing look great and I can't wait to see them.